Also ich habe mir das jetzt zweimal durchgelesen und glaube (zumindest für mich) einen sinn dahinter gefunden zu haben.
Meiner Interpretation nach (aber vl hab ich auch das ein oder andere vokabel falsch verstanden ^^) beschreibst du hier jemanden, der sich durch äußere dinge und menschen (gesellschaft?) daran gehindert fühlt, sich selbt vollkommen zu "verwirklichen", wenn man das so sagen kann. Er fühlt sich durch diese dinge und die notwendigen konsequenzen daraus ("figures to cross desires") darin gestört, sich selbst zu finden und sieht sich irgendwie nur noch als lebloses teilstück einer endlosschleife. genau das kommt find ich grad in der letzten strophe raus, wo die zeilen in klammern und die anderen jeweil hintereinander gelesen werden können/müssen (ich habs jedenfalls getan)
wie gesagt, mir gefällt wirklich! eine einleitung wäre vielleicht auch ganz in orndung wenn sie zu dem thema hinführt, aber muss meiner meinung nach nicht sein

ich hoff das war jetzt in irgendeiner weise produktive kritik... bin in solchen interpretationen nicht geübt ^^

I love how you begin this with ‘but’ it instantly draws me in, and it puts it in a really emotional setting, as if you’re almost pleading to something ‘else’ whilst arguing maybe with the universe maybe with yourself or you’re just rethinking but I really liked it! I liked also how it’s really literal and obvious nothing out of the blue ya know clocks and trains, but yet it’s poignant cause it’s almost like fate intervines and is holding you back and you’re fighting that ‘I feel the pressure of the wheels’

‘machines thirst for more’- that wording is just brilliant!

I love the imagery because like I said it’s very poignant yet almost fated or staged, but I liked all your reference to the past and future as you kept everything really relevant to each other and the whole idea behind time. ‘bodies to frames’

However I didn’t understand what you meant by ‘and acts to ticks’ and that ruined that part for me. I thought you meant ants, otherwise I can’t make sense of that part! The only thing can I think of is if you’re saying they’re acts turn to ticks, like a metaphor for their actions and it’s results? Otherwise I’m lost!!

You seem very isolated from humanity in this poem, and perhaps it’s to with the beginning statement that you’re separated from her, and henceforth you’re separated or feel like separating yourself from the rest of the world. I’m not sure really if you’re really so much apart of everyone else’s world, maybe you don’t wanna live by time, and distance but I like how intriguing it is.

I was very curious by this part:

‘human flesh touches me, I feel numb
these reflections make me sick
and numbers smile’

Although I like it, it took me a couple of reads to understand it, I was sure you meant that time was almost laughing at you, as it controls you in this word with humans that you don’t feel comfortable with or like you want to/should be here, but at first I thought you were playing with the word numb as if you were creating your own word and saying numb er s as in people smile, as in creating your own word? If any of that made sense, anyway if I had read on it would have made sense I suppose, just wondering about that part and if others thought the same, cause I like it but just wondered!

I liked the concept behind the next paragraph, if I’m correct in thinking it’s an emphasis on this idea of the control behind time and almost as if we’re placed in this fated world which destroys our hopes and dreams by this forced obligation almost (unless I’m getting extremely carried away, I just love that idea!)


‘cautious vision made me,
a clock work of vicious caution,
run, since then
in circles’

as brilliant as I think that section of that stanza is, there’s something about the structure and punctuation that’s not right. It’s almost as if you mixed the sentences up, I’m not sure if that’s intentional but it makes it difficult to understand. I understood/thought you were saying ‘cautious vision made me run since then in circles’ but amid that sentence you threw in the description of the clock ‘a clock work of vicious caution’ to emphasis the control and malevolence etcetera but I think you could word it just a little differently.

the watch hand drills through my eye
and corrupts me from within;
cautious vision (a clock work of vicious caution,)
made me run since then-
in circles

you might not agree and I don’t mean to alter your work, in my opinion it keeps up your nice consistent flow and makes it easier to grasp, but obviously you have your own opinions and intentions, unless you feel that helps convey your message better. Nevertheless I love how it makes you run in ‘circles’ like time itself does, almost you’re a miming idiot forced against your will!

The last paragraph is very different in it’s emotion, description and style, but I like how you can contrast such emotions and it can fit nicely into the rest of the poem. I love how you separated every few lines into brackets as you address ‘her’ ‘to tame my existence)’ that part is especially beautiful and I love it, it almost defies ‘fate’ and purpose with love, it’s just perfect!

The ending of this poem is as intriguing as the beginning and I’m sure it has some special meaning for you that I can only guess but I love the mystery behind for the sixteenth time. It’s a sad repetition, taken the previous line, and it’s cyclic and predictable like time.

Overall I enjoyed and loved this poem!! Welcome back

--
If it's just a game, then what are we crying for?

hah, danke
im großen und ganzen ist die interpretation nicht abwegig. wobei, rein vom gefühl her, der "sinn" des textes nicht so zielorientiert ist - unklar, ob's bei der selbstverwirklichung oder was anderem scheitert. aber es ist definitiv eine eingeengtheit vorhanden .. nichtsdestotrotz, die interpretation entspricht auf jeden fall meiner absicht
und danke für den kommentar, schon, dass es irgendwie anregend erscheint

--
^{« Va-t-on mourir, échapper par le saut, reconstruire une maison d'idées et de formes à sa mesure? Va-t-on au contraire soutenir le pari déchirant et merveilleux de l'absurde? »}
_{- Albert Camus}

first of all, thanks for the comment! ^^
I'm glad it's possible to grasp my intentions in this piece

as for the acts turning to ticks, it belongs to the metaphor of the paragraph and maybe the last one - a soberness in the perception of the life around you, to make it short.
but actions and their results are also meant by this

isolation is without a doubt one of the main themes here.
to be honest, I didn't have the "numb-ers" thing in mind, but nonetheless I like how you came across this detail XD the rest of it is left quite open - it's the numbers smiling, but they also "make me smile".

thanks for the critique on the described paragraph, and you're right, I had a precise idea in mind, but played with the wording for quite a while. if you're interested what I meant exactly in literal terms, here it goes:
I (me) became a clock work of vicious caution due to a cautious vision, and since then I'm running in "circles" (*caugh*)
furthermore, I liked the change from cautious vision to vicious caution, the first letters seeme just replaced, but still fitting to the meaning at the same time.
so I agree, your suggestion reads better, and I'm still not sure whether I leave it like that, but I'm afraid it's more difficult to understand what I had in mind this way ..
I don't know, do you think the following is better:

cautious vision
made me run,
a clock work of vicious caution,
since then
in circles

gaah, I'm still so undecided :/

also I'm glad you think the last paragraph goes well with the concept ^_^ I was really relieved by the time I found a way to express what I had on my mind and still sticking to the overall imagery ..

maybe to clear up some of the "mystery" of the last line ..
it's actually not the "sixteenth", but "sixtieth time" - I hoped that it would be clear by then that I'm not talking about a human face

sorry if I spoiled some of your interpretation, just had to take a stand ^^'

and thanks once more for the fav!

--
^{« Va-t-on mourir, échapper par le saut, reconstruire une maison d'idées et de formes à sa mesure? Va-t-on au contraire soutenir le pari déchirant et merveilleux de l'absurde? »}
_{- Albert Camus}

You’re more than welcome

I understand what you mean about cautious vision to vicious caution that’s quite clever.

I’m also really sorry about that sixteenth thing, I donno why I thought it read that, sorry about that misunderstanding that was my fault!!

No you didn’t spoil it, thanks for explaining

--
If it's just a game, then what are we crying for?